I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
zippers are such a cool invention
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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