the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
