how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
