Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
