3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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