that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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