My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
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She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
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I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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