I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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