so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
only you would photoshop your dick
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
