I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
