can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
