She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
