Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
