So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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