I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
