hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
