if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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