i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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