You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
