My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
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