I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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