we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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