I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
