I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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