Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
