i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
