i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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