Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
