If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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