the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i will never coherently bang her
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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