why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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