My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
