I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
