Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
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You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
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I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.