fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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