I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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