She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
