I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
