and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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