After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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