Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
