Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
