How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
