wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
