Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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