I'm really into asian looking animals
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
