You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
