I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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