her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
