life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
