there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
