I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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