just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
