we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
