i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
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Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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