My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
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