So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
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She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
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This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
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