my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
