He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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