I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
you didnt know i had herpes?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
